OUR Lord Redmond has cancelled plans for a closing ceremony for 2008 - because there is no money left in the kitty.Redmond, a multi-millionaire who lives in Cheshire, pulled the plug at a meeting in the Millenium House Fun Palace this afternoon.
He had appointed himself as the producer of the show and was due to take all the credit for single-handedly designing a showpiece event.
Liverpool subCulture understands that these were some of Redmond's planned highlights:
- The March of the Superlambananas - a parade of all the Japanese-made statues which were erected around the city.
- Karaoke Kop - a massed choir in the Oldham Echo Arena singing their favourite Beatles songs.
- 'I'm a Scouser, get me out of here!' - a new series broadcast on closed circuit TV all around the city where celebrity scousers try to out-do each other with their quaint Scouse mannerisms. This was Our Lord's own, totally original, idea.
- Build your own bench, sponsored by Rapid. A mass creative cultural experience for local people to show how fully engaged they are in Liverpool 2008. In a new innovation, benches can be made from wastepaper made in Oldham. Redmond said: “I said at the beginning, it’s not simply a bench. It’s also a cultural resting place." (He did actually say this, eds)
- Build Your Own Pub, sponsored by Cains.
- A great after-show party for Phil and his mates, including Pete Price (welcome back Pete, eds), Clare Sweeney, Sinbad and various other extras from Brookside.
- The Phil Factor - Our Lord judges the world class local talent who come on, trip up over some tatty 08 branding and then start singing old Frank Sinatra songs. Into the wrong microphone.
- 'Standards are Slipping' - a look back at the city's rich political history, culminating in a pyrotechnic re-enactment of the Fireman's famous 'Walk of Death' to judgement day by the Standards Board for England.
- Carry On Cover Up - a light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek romp through the farcical goings-on at Liverpool Town Hall.
- Double Your Money - a live casino on the waterfront where council taxpayers give up all their money to incompetent council bureaucrats who then disappear to retirement homes in Formby, Spain and Wales.
Unfortunately we are now going to miss all these treats. Because all the money has been spent. Gone, Vanished. Disappeared. The cupboard is bare. There is no more dosh. It doesn't grow on trees yer know. We are brassic. Aint got a cent, lah. On our uppers, Phil mate.
Redmond had originally wanted £1million for the end of the year show when he began planning his great moment six months ago. Then the budget was halved to half a million - the amount being paid to Hasitall as a reward for his incompetence. Then the budget was going to be dependent on what could be raised in ticket sales for seats for the show at the Oldham Arena. Then at today's meeting, Redmond was finally told there were no more spondulicks.
What's more, since the long-suffering Culture Company staff are all out on their ears on December 31st, not many were going to be daft enough to rally around to make multi-millionaire Redmond look good.
No doubt he will now try to cobble something together with a few of his 'mates' to try and save his face. But it won't be anything like what he had planned - or the people of Liverpool had expected.
Perhaps the Oldham Echo can organise a 'Save the Show' campaign?
